Pain: Punishment or Point of Entry

 Pain walks into an Irish bar, bartender looks up and asks, "What 'cha doing 'ear, lad?"

I think we can all agree that pain and illness leaves one stuck, ill at ease and unable to move forward in life. 

Yes.

Hate to admit it, but I have experienced chronic neck pain for eight years. Not every day, but most days I have some level of pain in my neck area. And I have spent way too many nights in my darkened room, away from my family and checked out from life because of pain. I have used every pain relief technology I know of including, from steroid shots to reiki, supplements to a new mattress, a bed full of pillows laid out crucifix style, crying and needles, pills and traction devices, sappy movies and prayers (and I am not even religious!)

After a recent trauma, I began realizing (with horror!) my natural pain relief methods were no longer working. It was as though my pain began to get too loud to operate in normal waking mode. The pain no longer asked, but instead, demanded my attention. My pain became the ignored kid at the grocery store,  gently tugging on their mom's dress and eventually having a full on toddler melt down, so he now has his Mom's attention and everyone else's. 

Steph's "Episode"

A couple weeks ago, I woke up with sharp head pain coupled with extreme neck and back tension. This isn't all that abnormal, these episodes happen at different times in varying degrees. This specific day, I declared self in 9/10 pain with a 100% guarantee of a migraine. It was on a morning I had work, so the pain relief needed to come quickly. After an hour and a half of trying to rid the pain with my natural methods; I was smacked with the baseball bat of hopelessness. It was then I realized that no matter what I did, this pain wasn't going to back off. And then the Y shape appeared on my path forward. I could pop Advil and move on or I could walk the pathway of pain like the somatic healers have pointed to.

Friend & Foe

   Side note about my frenemy, Advil. First, the gel caps may have gluten, so that's a no-
   no for someone with Hashimotos (dutiful student raises hand here). Second, Advil
   doesn't take away the pain, it only numbs the nerves that send a pain message to your
   brain. So Advil does stop the pain signals but your body still suffers (in silence.)  No
   judgment here, I took Advil like it was my job for years. As humans, we do what we 
   have to. This blog post is simply about my experience without Advil. There is no shame
   in healthy pain relief, ever. 

Since studying somatic healing, I began asking pain , "What is your purpose?" Is it my penalty for bad behavior, too much desserts or not enough water? Too many negative thoughts and unlucky genes?  Perhaps bad karma from a past life? Seasonal allergies, perhaps? Or maybe we judge pain as punishment when it is actually a signal. What if pain is a messenger, it tells us to look here, stay here, be with me, listen. What else is our emotional and physical pain except for an immediate demand for our attention.

Back to the story. So, for my extreme pain episode on this day, I decided to stop trying to rid the pain and instead ordered a plate of bravery and placed all my chips down. I stopped trying to force the door closed on my discomfort and instead, I walked through the doorway. I let the pain take over and I'm going to be honest here, it felt like absolute, infinite hell. Total, that agonizing time probably only lasted twenty minutes. During that time, I stopped trying to fix it and started feeling it. I moved from a doing state to a being state. I breathed with the discomfort and sat on my bedroom floor to let this discomfort have a voice, once and for all.

The physical pain continued to call to me and I began to also feel the emotion of pure despair. I felt jailed. I felt alone. I felt no one cared for me. I felt trapped with pure misery and my whole life situation felt impossible. I felt a failure at everything I had ever tried. And then, a collaboration. Both,  the emotions and the pain came together and became so intense, I begged for mercy, no, I screamed for mercy and sobbed. I yelled out how I could not do this, and declared "I DO NO WANT THIS!" I let it all out, I held nothing back, I felt pain in my body while I felt deep emotional anguish. 

My Before/During

  After that episode ("ah-hem," says the doctor at the psych ward, "she had   another episode,")  I slowly calmed down, laid on my back in surrender,   returned to my breathing and allowed a softening. I did a gentle and slow scan

 of my pain and realized the tension in my traps and neck was completely gone   and the head pain had dropped from a 9 to a 4.  I witnessed how my allowing   had actually alleviated the pain. As the next minutes went on, I questioned if   during my pain, I'd taken Advil but forgotten. But no, I knew I had shifted my   pain by experiencing it. My own self empowerment went through the roof.
 I felt liberated!!

  

My "AFTER" moment

The act of feeling the internal and external pain had pacified my whole system. The pain stopped being resisted after it was seen. Unconsciously, I had not wanted to go to that place of deep hurt so I avoided it with everything in my physical and mental arsenal. And yet, when I moved towards it and let myself be with it, it transformed, it transmuted. Kinda reminds me of a lost child. As an adult, you see the lost child and instead of walking away (taking the Advil) you approach them, tell them you are here to help, and wait with them, until their parents arrive. You know the kid is stressed out and won't feel better until they see their parents no matter what you say. I suspect, pain is like that lost kid, can't be relieved until it is seen by loving eyes.

Side Rant, Sssorta related

Have you ever heard the best thing you can do for homeless person? You don't have to feel conflicted about giving them money or not; the best thing you can do for their soul is simply to look them in the eye. Their physical needs aside, you don't need to give them anything, you just need to see them. You just need to acknowledge them as a human being. Your best gift can be your attention and it costs you nothing. Healing works much the same way; where you put your attention, you can also offer your love, your compassion, your understanding. And how good does it feel to be fully understood and loved anyway, sometimes, it feels like everything!

Zach Bush "Pain is the Entry Point" Interview

More on this topic later, or if you want to dive deep into this with me, send me an email, I'd love to chat with you!

Much love on your journey!